How I Became a Christian: Out of My Diary

April 18. — Much interested in reading Drummond's "Natural Law in Spiritual World."

April 19. — Took great interest in reading Revelation.

Fernald was tlie first Swedenborgian author I read witli any degree of seriousness. Indeed I peeped into ''Arcana Celestia" some three years before this, but then it was too spiritual for my materially-disposed mind. But now in a strange land, grappling with great spiritual problems, mysticism of any sort was welcome to me, for what I could not remove in Fact, I could fly over in my Spirit. Then came Drummond to spiritualize my science, and they two made me extremely spiritual. Now there was left nothing that I could not explain away. So I took up Revelation, the book that I had left untouched for fear that it might turn me a skeptic, — a book, I thought, which was intended for angel-kind, and not for inductive human-kind. But if it is a vivid portraiture of man's spiritual experiences, I lacked nothing in me to illustrate every passage in it. The Trinity chasm can also be bridged over in that way, and the Immaculate Conception and Resurrection are soon counted among ofcourses. And that fearful struggle about the reconciliation of Genesis and Geology, the struggle that drove the famed author of the ''Natural History of Selbourne" to madness — it too melts away as easily as September frost before the sun, under the treatment of the author of "Arcana Celestia." But I never have counted ^Swedenborg among blockheads, as many people do. His was a mind beyond my power of conception, and his insights in very many cases are truly wonderful. He who tries to get the w^hole truth from Swedenborg may stumble; but he that goes to him in true scholarly humility and with €hristian reverence, will, I doubt not, come out greatly blessed. After much gross spiritualism iuto wliicli I sank at my first contact with his doctrines, the influence of that remarkable man upon my thought has ever been healthful. This is not the place, however, to state in detail in what respect it was so.

May 16. — Jeremiah affected me a great deal.

May 27. — Much benefitted by reading Jeremiah.

My religious readings thus far had been more from ^'Christian Evidences" and such stuffs, and less from the Bible itself. Hence I conceived an idea that the Old Testament prophesies were mostly future-tellings, delivered unto mankind to astonish the world with ^^coincidences" when the Savior of the race did come at last. So I early included the books of prophets among the incomprehensible. I read a^oi/^ them, but not in them. But now with half curiosity and half fear, I peeped into Jeremiah, though the Superintendent once gave us a notice that he would not allow any Jeremiah upon his ground, for such would set the whole house to weeping in sight of all the miseries in the Hospital. And lo! what a book! So human, so understandable; so little of futuretellings in it, and so much of present warnings! Without a single incident of miracle-working in the whole book, the man Jeremiah was presented to me in all the strength and weakness of humanity. c"^^ay not all great men be called prophets?" I said to myself. I recounted to myself all the great men of my own heathen land and weighed their words amd conducts; and I came to the conclusion that the same Grod that spoke to Jeremiah did also speak to some of my own countrymen, though not so audibly as to him; that He did not leave us entirely without His light and guidance, but loved us and watched over us these long centuries as He did the most Christian of nations. The thought w^as inspiring beyond my power of expression. Patriotism that w^as quenched somewhat by accepting a faith that w^as exotic in origin, now^ returned to me with hundredfold more vigor and impression. I looked at the map of my country, and weeped and prayed over it. I compared Russia to Babylonia, and the Czar to Nebuchadnezzar, and my country to the helpless Judea to be saved only by owning the God of Righteousness. In my old English Bible I noted dov^n such remarks as these:

Jer. Ill, 1-5; — Who can resist this solicitation?

Jer. IV, 1-18; — These are words of sorrow. Ah, my country, my empire, follow thou not the footsteps of Judea.

Jer. IX, 18-31;— Is not Russia of the North our Chaldea? Etc.

For two years from this time I read almost nothing from my Bible but the Prophets. The whole of my religious thought was changed thereby. My friends say that my religion is more a form of Judaism than the Christianity of Gospels. But it is not so. I learnt from Christ and His Apostles how to save my soul, but from the Prophets, ko7£/ to save my country.

I remained in the hospital service for nearly eight months, when ''doubts" within me became impossible to be borne for any greater length of time. Relief must be sought somewhere. The good Doctor said I needed rest, and prescribed for me Appolinaris- Water for my torpid liver; for in his practical view, much, if not all, of so-called spiritual struggles could be explained by some derangement of digestive organs. Taking advantage of his medical advice, I went to New England where I had some friends from my native land, for I thought something "lucky" might come out by change of locations. My heathen trust in "good lucks" always cropped out when I came to extremities.

With a sad heart I left the Hospital and many good friends I made there, deeply regretting my imperfect services, and change of plans so soon after committing myself to the care of the good Doctor. Philanthropy, "love-man" business, I found to be not my own till my "love-self" propensity is totally annihilated within me. Soulcure must precede body-cure, in my case at least; and Philanthropy of itself was powerless for the former purpose.

But be it far from me to say anything depreciatory of the work which "angels do envy." It is a work nobler than which cannot be met with anywhere else in this wide universe. Some say mission work to the heathen is nobler. Perhaps so, since as the body is more than garments, so the soul is more than z^s garment, the body. But Who ever separated the body from the soul, as we do the orange-skin from the pulp inside? Who ever can save the soul without reaching it through the body? A minister of religion working upon the depart-in-peace-be-ye-filled-and-warmed principle is as far removed from heaven, as a curer of the body working upon the health-for-fees principle is near to heaven's opposite extremities. Philanthropy is Agapanthropy, if you are particu- lar about the relative meanings of the two Greek words for love. ''Medicine" said a Chinese sage, ''is an art of love," and as far as I know, the Christianity of Gospels seems to approve this saying though uttered by a heathen. Who then can distinguish Medicine from Theology?

I was to see New England by all means, for my Cliristianity came originally from New England, and she was responsible for all the internal struggles caused thereby. I had a sort of claim upon her, and so I boldly entrusted myself to her. I first went to Boston, and thence to a fishing town near Cape Ann, there to acclimatize myself to Xew England blue-berries, and to Yankee modes of life and action. For two weeks I wrestled in prayer upon a rocky promontory of the Eastern Massachussetts, with the billows of the Atlantic to moan my wretchedness, and the granite quarries of the state to illustrate the hardness of my heart. I returned to Boston somewhat becalmed. I secluded myself in one of its obscure cow-traced streets about a fortnight more, and then I made my way to the Connecticut valley.

My object in going there was to see a man, the president of a well-known college, of whose piety and learning I had previously tasted in my homeland through some of his writings. To us poor heathens, the idea of great intellectual attainments always carries with it that of imperiousness, and hence of unapproachableness. A man with the double-title of D. D. and LL. D. need not condescend to the commonality to solve its doubts and see to its sorrows. Is not his mind always occupied with "Evolution," "Conservation of

Energy/' and such like? To expect from him anything like personal help to my little soul, I thought to be wholly presumptuous on my part. I was told, however, that I could see him, and I made up my mind to see him from a distance, if I could do nothing else.

Miserably clad in an old nasty suit, with no more than seven silver dollars in my pocket, and five volumes of Gibbon's Rome in my valise, I entered the college town, and soon appeared in the president's gate. A friend of mine had previously introduced ni}^ name to him; so he knew that a young savage vvas coming to him. I was introduced to his parlor, and there waited for my doom to be stunned by his intellectuality and Platonic majesty. Hush! he is coming! Prepare thy soul to stand before his sinless presence. He may look through thy heart at once, and take thee for what thou really art, and refuse to own thee as his pupil. The door opened, and behold the Meekness! A large well-built figure, the leonine eyes suffused with tears, the warm grasp of hands unusually tight, orderly words of welcome and sympathy, — wl\y, this was not the form, the mind, the man I had pictured to myself before I saw him. I at once felt a peculiar ease in myself. I confided myself to his help w^hich he most gladlj^ promised. I retired, and from that time on my Christianity has taken an entirely new direction.

I was given a room in the college dormitory free of charge; and as I had neither a table, nor a chair, nor a bed, nor even a washtub, the kind president ordered the janitor to provide me with few such necessities. There in a room in the uppermost story I settled myself, firmly making up my mind never to move from the place till the Almighty should show^ Himself unto me. With an aim like this in view, I was entirely insensible to the lack of my personal comforts. The former occupant of my room had the carpet removed from the floor, and the new occupant was not able to re-carpet it. There I found however a table crippled of its drawers, but as its four feet were stiff and strong, I made a very good use of it. There was also an old easy chair with one of its corners broken off, so that it stood really upon tripods; but with a slight equiposing of my body, I could sit and work upon it quite comfortably. The bedstead was of wooden frame and a good one, but it squeaked, and the bed-cover harbored some living specimens of Cimex lectularius, commonly called the bed-bug. I provided myself with a Yankee lamp of the simplest construction, and this with a small wash-vase besides constituted the whole of my furnitures. I had my pen and ink and paper, and a praying heart to fill up all the rest.

Thus I began my New England college life. To describe it fully is not demanded by my American or English readers. I got from it all the fun and jest which every student carries away with him. I liked all its professors. Professor in German was the jolliest man I ever saw. I read Goethe's Faust with him, and he made it exceedingly interesting to me, adding not a little of his own pathos to it. The tragedy struck me like a thunderbolt from Heaven. I still refer to that ''World- Bible" only less frequently than to the Bible itself. Professor in History was a genuine gentleman. He taught me how to be fair in judging the past, and with it, the present as well. His lectures were to me a veritable course in Divinity, though he seldom spoke about religion, but touched mostly upon "the progress of humanity." Professor in

Biblical Interpretation gave me special lessons in Old Testament History and Theism. The good old Doctor looked after me with genuine interest, and as I was the only student in his class, we two had a regular debating club for three terms in succession. He fished out Confucianism and other good heathenisms that were in me, and weighed them over against the Scriptural standards. In Philosophy I was a total failure. My deductive Oriental mind was wholly incompatible with rigorous inductive processes of perceptions, conceptions and all that, all of which appeared to me either as self-evident facts which needed no distinguishing, or as different names for one and the same thing, so treated that the philosopher might have something to do to kill his time. To us Orientals, who depend more upon our sight than upon logic for the establishment of Truth, the Philosophy as I was taught in my New England college is of comparatively little use in clearing up our doubts and spiritual phantasmagorias. I believe no body made a greater mistake than those Unitarian and other intellectually-minded missionaries, who thought that we Orientals are intellectual peoples, and hence w^e must be intellectually converted to Christianity. We are poets and not scientists, and the labyrinth of syllogism is not the path by which w^e arrive at the Truth. It is said of the Jews that they came to the knowledge of true God by "a succession of revelations." So I believe all the Asiatics do.

So I liked Geology and Mineralogy more than Philosophy, not only for what they really are, but as helps to lead me to the knowledge of Peace that passeth all understandings. Crystallography was to me a sermon by itself, and the measurement of the angles of a topaz or an amethyst was to me a real spiritual pastime. Then om' Professor in these branches of our studj' was the best of mankind. He could talk on whole hours upon a single stone picked up on the street, while a Roger and a Whitmarsh and other good fellows were indulging in delicious naps in one corner ©f his lecture-room. I never asked my Professor how he reconciled Genesis to Geology, for I knew his head had no place for such things, stuffed as it was with rocks and minerals and fossils and footprints more than it could easily hold.

But none influenced and changed me more than the worthy President himself. It was enough that he stood up in the chapel, gave out a hymn, read from the Scripture, and praj^ed. I never have "cut" my chapel-service, i. e. absented myself from it, even for the sole purpose ©f casting a view upon the venerable man. He believed in God, in the Bible, and in the power of prayer to accomplish all things. I think those innocent fellows who studied their Latin lessons while that holy man prayed will repent ©f their doings when they go to heaven. To me I needed nothing more than his clear ringing voice to prepare myself for the battle of the day. That God is our Father, who is more zealous of His love over us than we of Him; that His blessings are so emanant throughout the Universe that we need but open our hearts for His fulness to "rush in;" that our real mistakes lay in our very efforts to be pure when none but God Himself could make us pure; that selfishness is really hatred of self, for he that really loves himself should first hate himself and give himself for others; etc., etc.; — these and other precious lessons the good President taught me by his words and deeds. I confess Satan's power over me began to slacken ever since I came in contact with that man. Gradually I was exorcized of my sins original and sins derived. I tliink after two years of my college life (for I joined the Junior class), I found myself in a path which pointed heavenward. Not that I ceased to stumble, for that I still constantly do, but because I now know that the Lord is merciful, and that He blotted out my sin in His Son, on whom relying I am not estranged from the Everlasting Love. My subsequent diaries will show that such was really the case.

Soon after my settlement in the college, I was taken by the President to attend one of great missionary meetings. Indeed, nothing is more indicative of the christianness of Christendom than these meetings. Heathendom has no such things; for we care nothing about other people's souls. The mere fact that ten thousand intelligent men and women should fill three or four spacious halls to overflowing to hear about how they can make other nations taste the goodness of Gospel, is by Itself impressive enough. Granted that many do come to see shows, and that many others come to be such shows, the fact remains clear that to these people the mission work among heathens is worth to be made a show; and it is doubtless the noblest and divinest of all religious shows. But when this Mission-show is partaken by the toughest and coolest of the nation's heads, and men and w^omen deadly earnest about it appear upon the stage, and with scars and wrinkles upon their foreheads, tell of their moral warfare with the Kaffirs and the Hottentotts, then the show ceases to be a show, and we too get fired by it. I advise any one of my non-Christian countrymen to be in one of these Mission-shows whenever he finds such an opportunity in Christendom; and I can assure him that he will not repent of doing so. The show is worth seeing in all respects. He may see in it the reason of Christendom's greatness, and at the same time, that of his country's smallness. He may thus cease to speak loud about *'the brutality of Christians." I tell you, those Mission-shows are inspiring.

But the worst lot in these shows falls to some specimens of converted heathens who happen to be there. They are sure to be made good use of, as circus-men make use of tamed rhinoceroses. They are fetchtd up for shows; and such wonderful shows! Till but recently bowing before wood and stones, but now owning the same God as that of these white people! ^'O just tell us how you were converted," they clamour; ^'but in fifteen minutes and no more, as we are going to hear from the great Reverend Doctor So-and-So about the ways and means and rationale of the mission." The tamed rhinoceros is a living illustration; not a blackboard illustration, but the veriest specimen from the veriest field. And those rhinoceroses who like to be seen and petted gladly obey the behest of these people, and in the most awkv/ard manner, tell them hov/ they ceased to be animals and began to live like men. Cut there are other rhinoceroses who do not like to be so used. They do not like to be robbed of their internal peace by being made shows to the people, all c;f whom cannot comprehend througli what tortuous and painful processes were they made to give up the rhinoceros-life. Thej' like to be left alone, and walk silently in God's green field away from the sight of man. But the circus-men do not usually like such rhinoceroses. So they sometimes bring some wieldy specimens from the Indian jungles for this special purpose, (usually very young ones), and take them through the land, show ftiem to the Sunday school children, fetch them upon pulpits, and make them sing rhinoceros songs, and get people interested in missionwork in that way.

Now I, a regenerate rhinoceros, advise the mission circus-men to be more considerate in this matter. On one hand, they spoil the tamed rhinoceroses, and also induce the untamed ones to simulate the tamed, for that they find the easiest possible way of getting things good for their rhinoceros-flesh. On the other hand, I believe you give false conceptions of what the Christian mission really is to the people whom you like to get interested in your work in that way. I do not read in the Bible that Paul or Barnabus brought a Titus or a Timothy to Jerusalem for the purpose of making them sing Gentile songs, and tell the brethren there in his queer half-incomprehensible way '' how he cast his idols into fire and clung unto the Gospel." I read how the great Apostle defended the cause of Gentiles with all his vehemence, and told God's people that they were no better than the godless Gentiles, that both were condemned in sins, and came short of the glory of God; — from all which I conclude that to Paul and Paully-minded people, Gentilism was nothing to make merry about, or even to be "pitied," but it was a thing to be sympathized with, to be taken as their own state, and hence to be treated with all reverence and Christian graces. I do not value those contributions raised by making a Hindoo youth in his native attire sing Toplady in his own Paoli, any more than I do money raised by showing tamed ourangoutangs. 1 do not call that a Mission-work that appeals to people's Pharisaic pride, and showing them that they are better than heathens, urges "the Christians at home" to "pity them." The best of missionaries are always upholders of the cause and dignity of the people to whom they are sent, and they are as sensitive as the patriotic natives themselves to expose the Idolatories and other degradations before the so-called Christian public.

Indeed, there are some people who seem to imagine that the cause of Missions can be upheld only by picturing the darkness of heathens in contrast wdth the light of Christians. So they make a diagram showing heathens by jet-black squares, and Protestant Christians by wliite squares. Missionary Magazines, Reviews, Heralds, all are full of the accounts o^ the wickedness, the degrations, the gross superstitions of heathens, and scarcely any account of their nobleness, godliness, and highly Christlike characters makes its way into their columns. Many a time in our own experiences, w'e w^ere not a little chagrined to meet no words of approbation for the talks we gave in some mission gatherings, as we touched more upon the virtuous part of our national character, and less upon the heathenish aspect of the same. They said, ''If your people are so fine a set of people, w^hy, there is no need of sending them missionaries." ''My dear friend," we o^ten replied, "it is those virtuous set of people who hunger after Christianity more than any other class." The fact is, if we heathens are but slightly better than gibbons or chimpanzees, the Christians may give up their mission works as total failures. It is because w^e know something about Right and Wrong, Truth and Falsehood, that we are readily brought to the Cross of Christ. I sincerely believe that the Christian mission based upon no higher motive than "pity for heathens" may have its support entirely withdrawn, without much detriment either to the sender or to the sent.

March 1. — When God giveth us gifts, they are substantial. Not mere speculations supported by the opinions of others, nor mere visions which are products of imaginations, but real substance which cannot be disturbed by the winds of the world.

/—March 8. — Very important day in my life. Never was the atoning power of Christ more clearly revealed to me than it is to-day. In the crucifixion of the Son of God lies the solution of all the difficulties that buffeted my mind thus far. Christ paying all my debts, can bring me back to the purity and innocence of the first man before the Fall. Now I am God's child, and my duty is to believe Jesus. For His sake, God will give me all I want. He will use me for His glory, and will save me in Heaven at last. ***** ^ Those of you who are 'Thilosophically" inclined may read the above passage with a sort of pity, if not with disdain. You say, by the advent of new science into this world, the religion of Luther, Cromwell, and Bunyan, has now passed into a "tradition/' You say that "it stands against reason" that faith in a dead Saviour should give a man life. I do not argue with you then. Perhaps a thing like "the responsible soul before the Almighty God" has never troubled you much.

Your ambition may not extend beyond tbis sbort span of existence called Life, and your Almigbty Judge may be that conyentional thing called Society, whose "good enough" may give you all the peace you need. Yes, the crucified Sayiour is necessary only to him or her who has eternity to hope for, and'^the Spirit of the Universe to judge his or her inmost heart. To such the religion of Luther and Cromwell and Bunyan is 7iot a tradition, but the verity of all verities.

With all the ups and downs that followed tne final grasping of the Crucified Son of God, I will not trouble mv reader. Downs there were; but they were less than ups. The One Thing rivetted my^ attention, and my whole soul was possessed by It. I thought of it day and night. Even while bringing up scuttles of coal from the basementfloor to the topmost story where my lodging was, I meditated upon Christ, the Bible, the Trinity, the Resurrection, and other kindred subjects. Once I laid down mv two scuttles (I carried two to balance myself) when I reached the middle floor, and then and there burst into a thanksgiyino- prayer for a new explanation of the Trinity that was revealed to me on my way from the '^coalhill " My paradise came when the vacation began, and^ the boys all went home to see their mammas, leaving me the sole occupant of the collei?e-hill, to be alone with my Mamma, the gent e Spirit of God. The hill that rang with class-yells and other heathenish noises was now transformed into a veritable Zion. ^Mienever Satan left me free to mvself, I pictured to myself the dear and blessed homeland away beyond the seas and spotted it with churches and Christian colleges, which of course had their existences in my imaginations only. No inspiring thought ever came to my mind but I reserved it as a message to my countrymen. Indeed, an empire and its people swallowed up all my leisure hours.

May 26. — Much impressed by the thought that there is so much more good in this world than the evil. Birds, flowers, sun, air, — how beautiful, bright, balmy! Yet man is complaining all the while of the evil. The world needs but one thing to make it a paradise, and that is the Religion of Jesus Christ.

Am getting to be a real optimist, and this just after I passed a severe New England winter without a stove of mine to warm me, and while I was yet in uncertainty as to the payment of my termbills!

June 3. — Studied the doctrine of Predestination, and was strongly impressed with its import. Heart leaped with joy. Temptations seem to vanish away, and all the noble qualities of my mind burn with emotions. Where is fear, where is the power of the tempter, if I am one of God's chosen elects, predestinated for his heirship before the foundation of the W'Orld!

The doctrine that once proved to be the greatest stumbling block to me is now turned to be the corner-stone of my faith. And I believe this doctrine was enunciated for such very purposes. I believe those are pretty sure to find themselves among the elect who are really seriously anxious about their election while they are doing their best to please their God. The non-elect do not usually trouble themselves with this question.

June 5. — O a thought which should humble every Christian! What worthiness attaches to me that I should be one of the elects! Yet to think that I am daily committing sins!

"Enviable delusion!" my Philosopher-friend will say. But not so enviable as you imagine, for the lot of God's elect is the miserablest upon this earth, and you will surely decline it were it offered unto you. Die-to-self-ing day-by-day, that is the election. How do you like it, my Philosopherfriend?

June 15. — Salvation of my soul is entirely unconnected with the conditions of my surroundings and w^orldly fortunes. Even though I be "steeped" in gold, my soul would remain wholly unaffected. Even though I pass through the severest disciplines of an ascetic, my soul would be like a hungry beast, and would pride itself in its devotion. Unless the Spirit of God touches my heart directly, there cannot be any conversion. What a consoling thought! I mourn for poverty, because my flesh suffers thereby. I fear prosperity, because my souPs salvation is in danger. But no! salvation is of God, and no man or thing or circumstance can take it from me. It is surer than a mountain itself.

This is my version of Rom. VIII, 38, 39. Be not cast down O Poor, for His grace is sufficient unto thee. Be not afraid, O Rich, for He can let go a camel through the eye of a needle.

July 31. — A terrific thunder-storm last night. I was just then meditating upon eternal life, and fighting against some of my infirmities. All at once, flashings and thunderings removed these "fleshy elements" from my heart, and I found myself dreaming of being struck by a thunder-bolt and lying in restful peace. The first time in my life when I enjoyed a rattling thunder-storm.

I disliked thunder, and I always thought my end did come when it rattled right above my head. In my heathen days, I called in the help of all my protecting gods, burnt incense to them, and took my refuge under a mosquito-net as the safest place to flee from ''the wrath of heaven." And oft in my Christian days as well, my faith w^as put to the severest test when ^'God roared" in the cloud. But now by the grace of G-od, I was thunderproof, for fear of all sorts had departed from my heart by the revelation of the crucified Jesus unto me. I said in my heart, "Strike O Thunder, for I am safe."

Aug. 16. — O what joys and peace in Jesus, joys in loneliness, joys in friendlessness, yea joys too in sinfulness. O my soul, cling to this precious truth, and turn thy whole attention to it!

"A mere rhetorical contrast," my critic will say.

But not so, my friend in Syntax. We Christians do rejoice in our sinfulness. It was the philosopher Leibnitz who said that nothing served to lift mankind more than its fall in Adam. Sin is a lever by which we mount to God through His Son, oftentimes to a height wholly unattainable by men and women of the Marcus Aurelius type.

Sept. 13. — Evening was serene and beautiful. Just when I was going out to my supper, thought came to me that devils cannot attack me when I am dead to the flesh. And this "death to sin" can be accomplished, not by looking into my sinful heart, but by looking up to Jesus crucified. I can be more than a conqueror through Him that loved me. The thought was extremely refreshing, and all the burdens of the day were entirely forgotten. Gratitude filled my heart, and I wished to commemorate the day by partaking the Lord's supper. So I pressed a little juice out of a cluster of wild grapes, and put it in a little porcelain dish. Also I cut a small piece of biscuit. I placed these upon a cleanly-washed handkerchief, and I sat in front of them. After a thanksgiving and a prayer, I took the Lord's body and blood with very thankful heart Extremely sanctifying. I must repeat this again and again during my life.

"Sacrilegious I Playing with a holy ordinance," the Churchism and other Popish isms will say to this. But why defy the Roman Pope and his fellow priests in this matter of the Sacrament, and grudge to us the same mortals as yourselves this priviledge of remembering the Lord's death when we feel most to do so. If the Pope has no exclusive authority of sanctifying this ceremony, and his vicarship a mere figment of imagination, what authorities haA^e you to support your "apostolicity?" I know a Japanese who presented himself for membership to a certain evangelical church as a baptized Christian, and who, when asked what authorized prelate baptized him, answered "Heaven." The fact was, one summer afternoon, he was deeplj^ convinced of his sin and found forgiveness in crucified Jesus. He thought the occasion was too solemn to let go without presenting himself for the Holy Baptism. But no "licensed minister" was to be found within twenty-five miles of his residence. Just then, however, a summer shower of the most refreshing sort came pouring upon his district. He thought the heaven itself was inviting him to the holy ceremony. So he rushed right into the midst of rain, and there in a reverential attitude had his whole body drenched by the ''heavenly water." He felt the process satisfactory to his conscience, and ever since confessed himself as a disciple of Christ before his idolatrous countrymen. I do not disturb other peoples in their reverence toward the host and golden chalices; and I do not wish myself to be disturbed in my preference in these matters. The pith of the whole affair is He Himself, and men do differ in their ways of appropriating Him. Liberty in non-essentials!

Nov. 24. — Thanksgiving Recess begins. A very refreshing rest. — In morning as I got up,

I found outside the door of my room a pile of ruddy palatable apples in an artistic triangular basket. It was a great surprise to me. Some kind friend must have left it there to console my lonely soul. O what a kindness! Remember, my Soul, such an experience! Often a deed of such kind, though small it is, touches a human heart more than gifts of hundreds of dollars. How I felt comforted throughout the whole day, knowing that there are some unknown souls who think of me, and take interest in me! I bowed down, and offered a prayer of thanks with tears of gratitude.

Blessings upon blessings be upon that somebody who has not yet made his name known to me!

Nov. 28.— Read the life of David Brainard. As I read his diaries, I felt as if I was reading my own. When I came to the passage where he says "that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be borne, is that God hides his face from me," I could not help crying. It was, however, very consoling to think that I am not the only one whom God disciplines with goads internal and external. I yearned after that SAveet communion in heaven with such blessed and tried spirits as his.

Dec. 4. — In morning at the President's class, I spoke how I came to believe Christianity as the Truth. I honestly and openly told the class how I came to find the conciliation of "moral schism" only in Christ, and closed my remarks with Luther's words, "I cannot do otherwise; God help me." Indeed, God helped me, and I felt throughout the day that I had done something honest and conscientious. Be instructed, O my Soul, that thou art to be a "witness" of what God hath done unto thee. Thou art not to proclaim to the world what thy little intellect has framed to thyself. Trust in the Lord, and be saved through His righteousness.

Our worthy President, like all true Christians, looked upon ^'heathen converts" with profound respect. (I speak this from my own experience). He told me, how early in 1859, when one of my countrj^man, a Christian, passed a night under his roof, he was so overtaken with the solemnity of the fact that ''the Gentiles heard the Gospel," that he could not sleep all through the night. I was even afraid that he attached undue worth to us converted heathens, so much so that I had to frankly tell him once that any helps tendered me on account of my being a Christian must be declined by all means. But I was always willing to be of any service to him in his classes and prayer-meetings, as I knew he was not going to use me as a specimen of the tamed rhinoceros. That morning I was to confess myself, how without any hereditary influence, I came to embrace

Christianity as my faith. I did so right frankly, and I felt the better for having done so.

Dec. 5. — Much impressed by the thought that God's providence must be in my nation. If all good gifts are from Him, then some of the laudable characters of my countrymen must be also from on high. We must try to serve our God and the world with gifts and boons peculiar to ourselves. God does not want our national characters attained by the discipline of twenty centuries to be wholly supplanted by American and European ideas. The beauty of Christianity is that it can sanctify all the peculiar traits which God gave to each nation. A blessed and encouraging thought that Japan too is GocVs nation.

Dec. 23. — Took much thought about the means of paying my term bill.

Some of my readers may be curious to know how I got my living all these days. In several ways. My earnings in Pennsylvania, together with little story-telling with my awkward pen, kept me comfortable pretty nearly through the first year of my college existence. The good Dr. F., my teacher in Biblical Interpretation, once dropped one hundred dollars into my pocket, as from a friend of his, and told me ''to come again" in time of need. Then I am ashamed to say, I showed myself a tamed rhinoceros about half-adozen times, and had some things given me in that wav, but not much. Here let it be said in honor of Christian America, tTiat a heathen convert who proposes to become a minister of the Gospel among his countrymen, usually has no difficulty about his bodily necessities, yea comforts, in that land. But here hypocrisy creeps in, and some Turks, Greeks, Armenians, Hindoos, Brazilians, Chinese, Japanese, who really love their bellies more than their God, feign themselves tamed rhinoceroses, and craftily indulge in the kindheartedness of the American Christians in that way. And once in a while the home-churches are cautioned by their missionaries on the field of their ^'promiscuous charity." They are told that those converts whom they housed and educated while they stayed with them, cast their Gospel into the sea on their way home, entered government service or some others of Devil's service, and even went so far as to malign Christendom before their heathen countrymen.

But that is not the worst suspicion which a conscientious convert likes to avoid. He goes back to his homeland, to preach the Gospel he learnt in Christendom by charity. What say his countrymen of him and his Gospel? Why, they say "there is money in that Gospel," and hoot him and his Gospel off. Poor Convert! he is to sacrifice the very Christian charity to which ne is entitled by his other sacrifices, that he might win his kinsmen to Christ.

Under such circumstances, independence is prudence, to say the least, and I made up my mind to stick to it as much as possible. First of all, I cut down my expense to a minimum, and tried to get from the fresh air and God's Spirit whatever nutriment and comforts that were lacking in my food and garnitures. For the first eighteen months of my college days things went pretty nearly as I calculated. But now, this my second Christmas in New England, I had not seen a greenback or a ^^We Trust in God" for a long while. I fervently prayed for veritable manna from heaven, but it did not come. I remembered good Dr. F.'s words. I prayed again, made up my mind, and waded through snow and slashes to his home. O how the way appeared long to me that night, though it was not more than a few hundred rods! Finally I came to the front of his house, and gazed at the light in his study. Shall I enter and ask for help? For ten long minutes I stood amid snow, reflecting. What if my countrymen say that I lived by my religion? My heart failed. I could proceed no further. "Wait," I said finally to myself, and once more I turned my lonely steps toward my room, now the only lighted room upon the whole college hill. I weighed two advantages, and found hunger preferable to misunderstanding, both by my countrymen and other countrymen, — for the Gospel's sake.

Jan. 5, 1887. — In evening, called upon Dr. F. to ask for some monitary help. It was indeed a fiery trial. I could scarcely control myself. But he was very kind to me, and promised me to get some.

I had put off the trial, and tried to remove it from me by my efforts during the Christmas recess. Indeed, necessity drove me to show myself a tamed rhinoceros once or twice in some country churches; but still there remained a considerable deficit. The dilemma was now for me either to tax American Christianity, or to remain in debt to the mistress of my boarding house, — she a good-hearted woman, recently widowed. While in this terrible dilemma, Providence sent me a help, not indeed in the form of the eatable manna as I expected, but in a thought which has ever since been of priceless value to me. In an old ma/gazine that I took up during those drowzy hours, my eyes caught the following stanza, by one of America's sweetest singers, Adelaide A. Proctor:

^^I hold him great who, for love's sake, Can give with generous, earnest will; Yet he who takes for love's sweet sake I think I hold more generous still."

In the power of this song, I once more braved my way to the Doctor, laid my case before him, though tremblingly, and passed through the firey trial in that way. A few days after he fulfilled his promise, when I met him right in front of the town post office. It was near the dusk w^hen one could hardly know another. The good man approached me, said a few kind words, thrust something into my pocket, and soon plodded away, leaving the world to darkness and to me. — Having had my bodily need supplied, I dived once more for the pearls of the Spiritual Truth.

Feb. 5. — Clear, cold. — There are cold days in spiritual world too. I try to warm my heart, to increase my love toward others, to make my prayers more earnest; but such efforts are like coal-fires in a cold weather, and are only partially and temporarily effectual. But once the warm and genial wind of the

Spirit blow, and how easy to warm my love, how earnest become my prayers, and how easy to be cheerful and satisfied! With all the efforts on our part, we are yet miserable sinners. There must come a Help supernatural to make us pure and holy.

Those piercing New Englaud winters were severely felt by me, not so much on account of their biting effects upon my body, for I soon got accustomed to them, but because of their consumptive power of my precious coal. The very bricks of the dormitory building had to absorb heat from the poor student's stove before he got himself warmed thereby. But are there not some spiritual lessons too in this climatic phenomenon? The cheerless room is my heart when left by the Spirit of God, which howmuchsoever we heat is still cold. That genial wind from the direction of the Bermudas is His Spirit, which when it blows put all things to thawing, and relieves the poor student from the fear of coal bills. Blow, O Heavenly Zephyr, and let freezings cease in my heart and elsewhere.

April 15. — Morning Prayer: I come unto Thee, not because I am clean and pure and loving. I came unto Thee that I may be filled by Thee, so that I can pray to Thee more earnestly, love more, and be instructed more in Thy words and truth. Thou requirest me to feed on Thee, to possess Thee, the Fountain of all goodness, mercy, and love. Obedience, faithfulness, purity come only from Thee, and

I cannot produce them by the most strenuous efforts of mine. Thou orderest obedience to Thy laws, not because we are capable of sodoing by ourselves, but that by becoming conscious of our incapabilities, we may come unto Thee, and possess Thee. Thou hast given us Law that it may take us to Thee. So O Lord, acknowledging my total incapacity and depravity, I come unto Thee to be filled with Thy life. I am unclean; I pray Thee to cleanse me. I have no faith; give Thou me faith. Thou art Goodness Itself, and without Thee I am all darkness. Behold my foulness, and cleanse Thou me from my guiltiness. Amen.

April 23. — The Christian's prayer is not asking for his desires to be fulfilled by God's special interpositions. It is truly a communion with the Eternal Spirit, so that he is made to pray for what He hath already in His Mind. All prayers offered in such an attitude will and must be heard. The Christian's prayer is, therefore, a prophecy., This I say is a considerable improvement upon ray old heathen idea of praj'er, which I am sorry to say, is still held by many under the Christian dispensation. I imagined, and many do still imagine, that God can be so prevailed upon with our prayers that the very laws of Nature can be reversed thereby. Not so, my Soul. Conform thy will to His which always meaneth good, and thou Shalt cease to wrestle in impossible prayers to stop the sun in its course, and get more light and pleasure therefrom.

With reflections like these, my New England college days came to close. I entered it in heaviness of heart, and left it with triumphant gloryings in my Lord and Savior. Since then I studied more and learnt more, but only to corroborate what I learnt upon the classic hill of my college. I believe I was really converted, that is turned back, there, some ten years after I was baptized in my homeland. Thp J^nrd rp^^^lp^d^imself to me there, especially through that one man, — the eargle-eyed, lioii-fai:ed,.lam5-heaTtedixresident of_ my college. The Spirit within me, examples Before me, and Nature and things around me, subjugated me at last. Of course the complete subjugation is the work of life-time; but I was righted so far as to depend no more upon vain efforts of mine in subjugating myself, but to have recourse to the Power of the Universe for that end. A little god of the world, — he is subjugatable only by the Almighty Power Itself.

As for my intellectual gains in my college, they amounted to but very little; or at least they appeared so in comparison with what I gained in my spirit. A student whose mind is so much taken up with the salvation of his own soul, and not a little about the sustenance of his body, cannot be expected to make much progress in his study. But the college dealt with me very leniently, indeed munificently. Though I entered it as a special student, and hence was not entitled to any organic relation with it, they adopted me, and gave me a place among her genuine sons, and the boys gave me three yells for the honor thus conferred upon me. Thus I was made to live nobly and honorably, not only for my religion and country, but for my alma mater as well. The ''college-spirit," outside of baseball grounds, is a noble and Christian sentiment, which if loyally stuck to, should alone be sufficient to keep her sons from demagogism, cloth-worship, man-face-fearing, and meannesses and unmanlinesses of very many kinds in this world. I understand the spirit of my college to be noble independence, brave defiance of hollow shows of all kinds, patient and reverential search after Truth, orthodoxy in anti-head-religion sense of the term, and not published Paganism, not the religion of ''the greatest probability," not "success" in its vulgar nineteenth century sense. I am exceedingly thankful that I was given another such mother to serve and satisfy. May I live worthy of her name and glory!

I stayed during two long months of the summer vacation alone in the dormitory, now deserted by its turbulent occupants, to prepare myself for entrance to a theological seminary in the coming Fall. The time thus spent was the best I have had in my life. Serene loneliness, beautiful natural surroundings, constant presence of God's Spirit within me, reflections upon Past and Future,— indeed the whole hill was beautified into a Zion, a Home of my God. Here is the record of one of those happy days:

Aug. 27. — Clear, delightful day. — Calm. Often feel very lonely, but I rest upon my God. I asked my soul w- hat shall she do if God take away my life right now. She answered: "I shall rejoice even though He slay me. God's will will surely be carried out even though I be destroyed. The consecrated soul rejoices only in the glorification of God, and not in its own success."

Sept. 12.— The last day in A.— A very impressive day. I thought of many struggles and temptations I met here during the last two years. I also thought of many triumphant victories I have gained over my sin and weakness by God's help, and of many glorious revelations from Him. Indeed, my whole life has been directed toward new paths, in which I can now proceed with hope and courage. May God's choicest blessings accompany this hallowed hill!— Went to see President to say good-bye. As usual, tears came to my eyes when I stood before that venerable man, and I had but very little to say, because I had so much to say. After giving me some advice, he handed me one hundred dollars to help me in my further career, and then dismissed me with rich blessing. Tears burst into my eyes, and I spoke to him some sobbing words. Lord knoweth how much I think of that man. He did me everything, and now after receiving my education, diploma, and many other things, I go away with $ as a "balance," as he said! O my

Soul, be sure to open thy purse and heart freely to the poor and afflicted when Lord will intrust thee with money and grace. — ^W^hen I returned to my room, I found three swallows straying into it, because the night was dark and boisterous outside. They flapped their wings furiously against the walls. I gently caught the timid creatures, and though I was afraid of sending them into darkness, I dared not to keep them in my room, because they were afraid of my presence. So after commending them to the merciful care of the Father of the Universe, I sent them away.

The next day, I left my college-town, and came to my seminary.