WANDERINGS IN THE WILDERNESS.
In 1897 my missionary friend asked me to go with her to Korea, and at once I accepted without asking my Heavenly Father’s consent. I thought in my heart if only I could get away from my present post I should be able to do better service and avoid all those temptations which seemed very strong to me; so I left my own country without permission from the King, and you can imagine the things that, in consequence, I met on the path, But he is ever a loving Father as well as a Righteous Ruler of the universe. He took me right into His own hands and taught me many precious lessons, which at the time I did not understand nor did I appreciate the hand of love which drew the plan of my path, for I fought hard against the instruments held by the Almighty God instead of acknowledging Him in all things.
Upon my arrival I naturally soon found much that was strange to me, and the first disappointment was the Janguage—which was more difficult than I had expected, although in a sense what I had been told may be true,— that it should be easy for a Chinese to learu. I remember at the end of the first week, when we came to recite the Lord’s Prayer to our teacher, my friend, though much older, did better than I. I had often wished to have the tatent that my father had for language, though he never learned a foreign language, but he could usually pick up a new dialect in a few days, and so could my sister; but God had pity on the foolish one, and in His tender love He gave me enough of the language so that I was able to speak soon after.
‘There came over me such a sense of hunger to b filled with His Holy Spirit that one night, together witl another lady who was also seeking for the same infilling, wwe went to God in prayer, earnestly entreating that He would grant our petition. We knelt for three hours, waiting for the manifestation of the Holy Spirit, as thought something unusual would happen when it came. Of course I was disappointed. Though I believe that ai times God chooses to reveal Himself to certain of Hii people with unusual signs, it is not for us to say tha all must receive the Spirit in the same manner, for wh are we that we should dare to dictate to God as to t e way in which He should come to us; it only gives Sata a chance of presenting himself in the form of an ang of light to deceive us. I thought afterwards I must go. by myself alone to seek Him. So one morning after breakfast I shut myself within my room determined not to leave the room until I had received the Holy Spirit. Not tev minutes after I had gone down on my knees there came a knock at my door. I made up my mind that I would not open the door to auyone, for I was before my King, presenting a special petition, and I thought that to arise from my knees would be to disregard God and in that way I might fail to receive the blessing. But the knock became very loud, and still I made no reply, and finally the one who was knocking came arotind to the window and knocked there, more and more loudly until I thought the glass would break, so to my great disappointment I rose from my knees. Finally I came to the conclusion that I was not to receive the Holy Spirit that way. For a year or sol was in constant fear of being left to go through the ‘great tribulation,” as I expected Christ to come and take away His Chureh,—and I was not ready. But as my physical health became worse and my spiritual life paralyzed, I did not seek to be filled with the Holy Spirit as I once had, though I was never satisfied.
In the spring of 1899 I was compelled to return to China on account of my health, the physician believing that only an operation could relieve my sufferings, but the doctor in Shanghai was unwilling to perform it, so I returned to my old hospital. I can never forget my feelings when the doctor said that there was no hope of my complete recovery, but that I was likely to be an invalid for the rest of my life, of which I was quite aware. My first thought was that I would never see my friend again. The second, that I could not reconcile myself to being laid aside and not being allowed the active service which I felt to be the one thing that could please God and show my love for Him, not realizing that He has far more delight in ‘obedience’ than in ** sacrifice.”
I went to my sister for the summer, and for some months was unable to sit up in my bed except for a few minutes at a time. During that time I read a paper which contained an article on the Lord’s healing of the body. I continued to take medicine and prayed earnestly that if it was the Lord’s will I might be healed. To the great surprise of my friends when I went back to the hospital for a visit in the fall, I was si much better that permission was given for me to retur to my work the following January. But I confess that there was a great deal of will and self-effort in all this. Just about a month before I was to leave China, my sister was taken seriously ill, and from a humar standpoint it was a fatal case. Oh, how I seemed to b almost crushed under the weight of it! If the Lor should take her, she would be leaving six children, th oldest being eight years of age and the baby only week old. Besides the pang of the last link with m family being severed, I would have to give up my worl and stay in China for a time at least, to help my brother: in-law in the care of his children, My sister had mad a special request when I left China the first time, that] if in case she should be taken before the children wer grown, I should take care of the oldest daughter, as shi thought the child's disposition was different from th rest, and that perhaps it would not be as easy for her a: for the other children. I was much better at that time’ but not allowed to nurse my sister, and one night whey} I went to my room, how I poured out my heart to Go and asked him to bear this heavy burden. I tried to g to sleep, but my heart was too heavy for that, and as lay awake indulging myself in thoughts of my dari future, God spoke to me: “What did you say a litt! while ago in your prayer? Did you not ask Me te bear this heavy load for you? But how can I do i unless you lay it down? If you really meant what you said in your prayer you would have been sleeping, an resting yourself in Me.” Upon hearing this I felt s ashamed of my unbelief, and asked Him for forgiveness; after which I went to sleep, not daring to think another thought. I woke up the next morning at five o'clock and went to see my sister. She was almost well! The fever had left her and she knew me, although she had been unconscious when I left her the night before. How grateful I was to God! Wilful and wayward as I was, He was ever loving and faithful.
It was January 1900 when I returned to my work, and soon I found myself again getting worse, as T entered into the work once more. Besides doing a Bible-woman’s work I had charge of the Industrial Department in the School. As the Korean ladies usually make their calls in the evening we often had to entertain them until ten or eleven o'clock at night. It seemed very tedious to teach the girls to make Chinese embroidery, lace, and drawn-work, etc., for it seemed to me they were not so quick as our Chinese girls, though I loved them very dearly and they were sweet and lovely in many ways.
My physical condition became worse and worse, but I kept on working. Nobody but God knew the sufferings that I went through those days; the physical and the spiritual affected each other until I became a perfect wreck. When my physicians gave me up, I prescribed for myself, and for years I seemed to be living on medicine. The sleepless hours I often spent in the night, of course, unfitted me for the work in the daytime. My nerves were in such a condition that I wept over the least thing that happened. In many ways I became a great trial to my dear friend. I began to take bromide and almost wholly depended on it for two years. I was irritable and fell before the enem over the least temptation; I asked God to give m deliverance, but to no effect. Often after a restles: night I had to force myself to arise when morning came, fearful and trembling, to face the day, and extremel, weak. When too late to have the usual time for praye before leaving my room, I would just say the Lord’ Prayer, hoping that that might keep me from falling, Oh, I was very slow to learn, notwithstanding all thai God had taught me. I kept on struggling in my ow: strength, to overcome, and God let me alone until came to the end of myself; but alas, how much of Hi: precious time I wasted!
In the midst of all my failures and weakness Gos gave me a most precious revelation of His love. In dream I was told that Christ was coming to examin our work, and I seemed to be so anxious to see Him that I gave little thought as to whether my work woul be approved by Him or not. Suddenly I realized that I was in His presence! Oh, the glory and the inexpressible tenderness and love of His face! The moment I saw Him, my whole being seemed to become transparent, and I knew that I had been made white a snow—according to Isa. 1:18. And I looked right up} into all that glorious and compassionate Face, and said, “Lord, I love you.’ And He answered in a most tende and loving voice, ‘‘ Yes, I know you do, and I love you too.’”’ Since that time I have never wanted to look a! a picture of Christ, for I am sure that it is impossible to in any way represent Him as He appears in glory.
I was on diet for five years, and for a time I was allowed to drink nothing but milk. It was suggested that I should have a cow of my own, and this I did, and tried to milk it myself, as the “cow boy’’ was neither clean nor careful, but it was a hard task as well as great fun. Two people were required to hold the cow while I milked, as the cows in the East are not used to it.
I grew worse and worse. On two different occasions I asked God to remove me from the world. One day Satan suggested, ‘‘ Why do you not take some of that strong drug and be done with yourself?’? But I said, ‘‘ No, I am going to wait God’s time.’ Oh, what a terrible time of darkness! Life was a perfect misery and burden to me. It seemed as though I was all alone in the world, for God was stripping me of human confidence and love,—which always bring disappointment to those who live in the flesh. But I was ever slow to learn and did not seem to realize His hand in it all. I was almost beside myself, and would even take my cat (I have always been a great lover of cats) under a great elm tree on our compound and talk to her in my own tongue; it seemed as though she really understood my sorrow, as she looked up at me so intelligently and sympathetically. Oh, the foolish things which I did in those days! Finally I said to God that if it was His will, He could make me strong, withont any medicine; and if not, there was no use in my taking any more, as I knew I was going down all the time (I was almost nothing but skin and bones). From that day I began to improve, though I never became strong until I returned to China. Indeed I had a number of attacl of illness, tonsillitis, diphtheria, pneumonia, etc., but t! Lord raised me up from all of these. I hope, d reader, you will understand me that I do not agree wit! those who think it a sin to take medicine, for ind God has made them (medicines) and blessed them the healing of many, many people; but God does rev His power to certain ones—that He is able to beal o1 body as well as our soul. God works differently witl His different children, just as a father tries to study tl nature of each of his children and deals with the accordingly: some of us need a much stronger hai than others, as in the case of my own life. God hi had to deal with me strongly, while others who more ready to yield may not have to go through t same experiences. I feel sure of this one thing —th all who would live to please God must walk a/one wit! Christ Jesus, in fmplicit obedience, at the same time u causing others to stumble. He was ‘‘obedient unt death, yea, the death of the Cross.’’ We must come t the point where we can ‘‘ rejoice in the Lord” throug! health or suffering, popularity or desolation, throug! happiness or sorrow. We are iv the world but not of it. We will find that the world will remain the same until the end, even becoming more wicked than ever, for we are living in the last days when the ‘‘ mystery of la lessness'’ is already working. The only way th Apostle Paul tells us to overcome the world is by ow dying to it. Romans 6:7. Gal. 6:14.
For two years before I returned to my own country God had been telling me to go back, but I lingered o1 not because I enjoyed being away from my native land, but because I was clinging to a thing which He had again and again told me to put aside. Finally I asked Him, in prayer, to remove it from me or I would never be able to put it away myself. Just then Satan whispered to me and said, ‘‘ How foolish you are; do you not know that all things are from God, and that to which you are clinging is one of His gifts?” I was foolish enough to listen to him because I really was waiting for some excuse to keep it; and the evil one always knows when to speak. Oh, to have no preconceived ideas of our own when in prayer!
In the summer of 1903 God blocked all the ways around me, but one. He had to hedge up my ways with ‘‘thorns.’’ How badly I hurt myself in trying to go through these thorny ways to escape that Way of Life! At last I said, ‘‘ Lord, if Thou dost want me to return to China, give me some money,”’ for I found that I had only twenty-six cents in the Bank at that time. Within a month that which came to me was five times more than the usual amount, and for no reason I ever discovered, except that God answered prayer. So my way was clear, and once more I returned to China, and in the path of obedience He again filled my heart with His own love and joy unspeakable.