PREFACE
For many years I have been asked to write the story of my life, but have hesitated to begin it for many reasons. However, as I realize more and more that different ones are passing through the same trials and difficulties that I have met on my life’s journey I feel that the telling of God’s gracious leading in my life may be of help and encouragement to others. I believe, too, that the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ is near at hand, so I wish to doit quickly. Another reason that has greatly influenced me to do it was reading the life story of a friend, written after his home call, in which there are various things stated that I think he himself would have related somewhat differently. The thought led me to ask my sister not to write my life if I should be taken away suddenly. No one knows the true innermost experiences of our lives, the deep-seated sins and weakness which God’s grace alone can overcome, the mistakes and the failures as well as victories, but we ourselves and the Lord, Who has with such infinite love and patience borne with us.
This is simply a testimony of God’s faithful dealings with me, and there is no desire to criticize the instruments that He has used in my training, but rather is there a grateful heart for all who have been as steppingstones to a higher life, even though at times I was tempted to resent what seemed to be interference and misunderstanding on the part of my friends. I wish to record my gratitude for all the help I have received from many of God’s servants in my life and work.
I often think that when I stand in my glorified body for the first moment in the presence of my Lord, my first exclamation will be—“Grace! Wonderful Grace!” Did He ever see anything in me to cause His love to be poured out so freely upon me? No, nothing but sinfulness, vileness and need.
I am sending this little book out with the prayer that God may use it to comfort any who may be going through similar experiences in life. We may rest assured that our loving Father will, without fail, bring us into the land of rest and victory in His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, as we obey Him unconditionally.
May He prepare us for that glorious day in which we shall see our beloved and long-waited-for Lord face to face, Who redeemed us by His own precious Blood, Amen.
CHILDHOOD DAYS.
I was born in the compound of the American Presbyterian Mission, in the city of Hangchow in the year 1873. My father was then studying to be a preacher. My sister, three years older than I, and myself, were the only children.
My grandfather belonged to a large and wealthy family, and was a sincere follower of Confucius, of whom I loved to hear when I was a child. He was also an ardent lover of peace and on one occasion, rather than prolong litigation which seemed inevitable, let 500 mow of land (over 80 acres) go to the Government. His home in the country was built at a cost of $200,000 (Mex.). The wall enclosing the property was a mile in length. A fire that swept over the neighbourhood, burning for three days and three nights, consumed a large part of his fortune, though the home was left.
After this my father studied medicine and practised as a physician till the time of the Taiping Rebellion. His parents, having died before this, were spared the sufferings then experienced, but my father was taken prisoner by the Taipings. However, he gained the favour of their officials by practising medicine among the soldiers. He was ever a sympathetic and faithful physician, and came to be truly loved by the rebels. But in spite of this he felt that his life was not safe among them. He endeavoured, therefore, to escape, and one night succeeded in doing so. After the Rebellion he went to Hangchow, where he heard the Go: became a Christian, At the age of forty he married my mother, who, with my grandmother, had been brought to Ch a few years previous to this time. As I look back now I praise God for the privilege of being brought up in a Chri
My earliest memories are of the time when I was twoand-a-half years’ of age, and my parents moved to the country not far from Hangchow; there were only twentyfour families in the whole place, but all around were beautiful tea-plantations among the hills. I have loved nature from my earliest childhood and delighted to ramble among the fields and flowers on the hillsides when my father would take us out for walks. One day a girl of our neighbourhood whose parents were members of the Church, of which my father was then in charge, saw me wandering alone, and took me with her to the tea-plantation, where she was picking tea-leaves. My father sought me in every home, but in vain, and finally in despair he went out to the hills among the tea-plantations, loudly calling my name. After awhile he recognized my baby voice crying out in reply, and following on he found me. This experience was ever to us a very real picture of Christ seeking His lost ones. I do not remember whether or not I received any punishment, but I know of the great joy in the family when I was found, so often referred to it afterwards,
After two years my father was sent back to the work in Hangchow, and I had to bid adieu to my beloved country walks and hills, but those two years had put the stamp of nature’s love upon me. I love it better now because I realize that it is my Heavenly Father’s handiwork.
I attended a mission day-school as soon as I was old enough to go. My sister was very much brighter than I, and I remember feeling rather humiliated when my father held up two of his fingers to the master to signify that I was to be taught to memorize only two lines a day for my sister was learning at least twenty line: At this time my mother’s mother often came to visit us, for though she spent a good deal of time with her other children, my mother was her youngest child and she was very glad to be with us, and also I was her favourite grandchild. I used to wonder why my grandmother loved me so much, but a short time ago an old friend explained it to me without my asking. She said that when I was a child I loved to be with one who was alone, and especially when grandmother was ill I would sit by her bed by the hour, and so became her constant companion,
As far as I can remember I scarcely ever forgot to pray since I knew how to pray by myself; Christ was a very real Person to me, and I loved Him. My sister had such a fear in the dark, but I used to say to myself, “(If Jesus is here, why should I fear?’’ And I was never afraid.
As to my nature; I believed in everybody and never doubted anything, so that, in a sense, I was quite a laughing-stock among all our friends, for I took everything in ‘‘dead earnest’? and was never able to understand a joke; this still remains with me and often makes my sister and brother-in-law laugh. When a small child
I was once eating some parched rice and my mother asked for a spoonful of it; when I gave it to her she took a second, and I cried out—‘‘ Why, mother, you told a lie; you only asked for one spoonful.’’ My mother was so amused that she fairly choked with laughter, but to me it was a very serious matter. Another time my father was sharpening a knife and a neighbour, whom I called ** Auntie,”’ told me that he was preparing to kill me; with tears in my eyes I ran and asked him if that was true. He had a twinkle in his eye, but made no reply. Any other child would have known, but so slow was my comprehension and so strong was my belief in everything told me that in many things like this I was what people would call stupid. Another incident to give you an idea of my single-mindedness; as I was going out one day I met my father, who had just returned from visiting my grandmother who had been ill. Instead of coming home with my father, as any child would have done, I weut straight on, for I was going for some special purpose and that must be done before anything else. Upon my return I found that my beloved grandmother had passed away. I often offend my friends, as I do not seem to be able to take in two things at once, and if I am speaking to one person I do not seem to notice others around. If I were told to do one thing, that thing had to be done, no matter what hindrances might be in the w and I have caught myself acting thus over and over again without realizing it and making myself appear quite stubborn to my friends.
At the age of seven I had a dream, which I have never forgotten, though I do not rely on such dreams as always being visions or revelations from God. I seemed to be in Heaven and, though I did not see anyone, I heard musical instruments being played and voices indescribably sweet, tender, seraphic, singing heavenly music—nothing like it has ever come to my ears.
When I was eight years of age we moved again to another place, where my father was pastor, and from that time on till I was fifteen, I went to school part of the time but was mostly taught by my father at home. I indeed was more of a home-lover than a student, and I can never be sufficently thankful for the careful attention my parents gave me at this time. Very valuable were my father’s explanations and comments upon things and life in general, which in after years have proved to be a priceless inheritance.
Our beloved parents were ever faithful in their training of their children as well as in that love which was lavished upon us so freely and so tenderly. They used to speak of the short-comings of myself and my sister, and sometimes we resented their frequent allusions. Then they would say, ‘‘ Later in life you will not find many friends who will remind you of your faults, and though you may long to know them, people will speak of them only behind your backs.” How I realized the bitter truth of this in later years when I went out into the world! ‘‘Whom He loves He chastens.’’ How many of God's people are often tempted to resent His workings, mostly because they have come through human instrumentalities. Oh, it is love that points out the defects in our lives, so that we may be willing to forsake them, for our loving Father is unwilling to take violently from us anything to which we cling, and to injure us thereby. The way to get a child to let go of anything that is dangerous is by showing it something more attractive. And so the work of the Holy Spirit in the hearts of His people is first, to show the sinful nature of all that belongs to the flesh, and then pointing to that spotless Lamb in Whom is all beauty and victory to make us willing and glad to be separated from these things, for separated we must be before He is willing to be called our Father (2 Cor. vi: 20).
MEDICAL SCHOOL.
In the year 1888 I left home {to study medicine, and my beloved father was taken away from us to glory three months after I had entered the medical school. Though known only to the Lord and myself, for six months before his death it had been shown to me that this was coming, but I had tried not to think about it. It was the beginning of my life alone in the world, for our mother was also taken within two years, after long suffering, so patiently borne. For six winters she was unable to lie down on account of heart disease, and at times I almost wished that she could be set free from her sufferings and be at rest with her Lord; only the sense of loneliness in losing both of them was unutterable, and even for years afterwards I could not see a family gathering without its giving me such a feeling of loneliness that I could hardly endure it. Their prayer had been that they might be spared until my sister and I were old enough to be left alone; that prayer was answered. >,
In the year 4902 came the time when I was to be married, and for the first time it dawned upon me that marriage was a very serious act, and I found myself unwilling to consent to it though I had made my own choice. There were several reasons in my mind for this. First, I did not really care to live a married life; second, the fear of having my love to God divided, for I had not learned thus to differentiate between heavenly and earthly love; third, I did not wish to share my will with another. But what was I to do? According to Chinese custom at that time, engagements could not easily be broken without definite reason. For two weeks I wept unceasingly at the thought of it, and pleaded with God that if He would deliver me from this I would be His servant for the rest my life. A missionary friend who had been very kind to me since my parents’ death (though I never depended upon anyone financially), tried her best both by prayer and in every possible way to help, and at last in answer to prayer the loving Father did set me free, though I had to be willing first to say ‘ Yes’’; if He willed for me to be married I would be married. I shall never forget the day when word came that the engagement could be broken, and of course there was no little excitement among my friends, and not a few of them criticized; but God kept telling me to take it all quietly and to show my sincerity by my life and not by word.
Having started out into the world when fifteen years of age, in many things I was still childish, careless, and unwise; though I read my Bible and prayed three times daily, many were my shortcomings. What I thought to be right I expected others to think was right, and what I considered wrong I expected others to consider as wrong; and as I believed every professing Christian to be a true child of God and never to be suspected, great was my surprise if others ever suspected me.
There were many happy days during those years, after I became more used to my lonely life; but not a few were the cloudy days, too, especially when summer and New Year holidays came and every student went home but myself. The house which was mine, I had not even seen, and gone were those who would have made it home tome. Father had so wished to take us to his home while he was yet living, but somehow the way had never opened, as traveling in China in those days was slow and tedious. My only sister and her husband were very kind to me, and always welcomed me to their home, but I felt all the while that I was alone in the world.
It was in 1895, just a year before I was to graduate in medicine (the course of study was prolonged from five to eight years because of inadequate teaching force), when one morning I awakened with an awful sense of condemnation, feeling that I had committed an unpardonable sin and that it could not be forgiven. I went on with my work as usual, but my friend noticed that something was the matter with me and asked me to tell her about it, so that she could help me in prayer, but I refused to do so as I felt that I just could not tell anyone of this awful struggle in my soul; the only thing I knew was that I was a condemned sinner and felt as if I were standing on the very brink of hell and ready to be hurled in at any moment.
After much persuasion I told this lady a little and she prayed with me and asked me to pray for myself, too, as she said that she knew God was going to forgive me; but I thought to myself—you do not know what you are talking about, for I know that I cannot be forgiven, for my sins are far too great. So I did not pray. But when by myself, I would cry aloud day and night, asking God to have mercy upon me, even me. This went on for two weeks; I was almost beside myself with fear, and would often cry out in the night at the top of my voice, pleading for mercy; but all in vain! I scarcely ate anything, I saw nothing but depravity and misery in the world and pitied everybody if they had to go through the same experience as mine. I went so far that I even wished that I had never been brought into the world. My friend tried very hard to help me, and said that if I would only believe in Christ Jesus for forgiveness, it would be all right; I tried to believe, but did not know how. The question was put before me whether I wanted God to forgive my sins badly enough to be willing to give up anything in this world and do anything that He would have me to do. I said, “Yes, anything to get peace in my heart,’’ A further question was put before me that if it was God's will for me to spend the rest of my life as an invalid, would I be willing. Just then I paused, and Satan iustautly brought a dark future before me if I said ‘‘ yes” to that! Oh, it was a time of deep agony! I did uot know what to say or where to turn; there was darkness and death all around me; but at last I said to myself, ‘*T do not believe that there is any physical suffering that can be compared with such terror of soul as I am in at this moment.’ And in my desperation I cried out, ‘‘{Yes, Lord, I am willing.”
During those two weeks God had searched my heart and brought many sins tomy memory and revealed to me that I should show my repentauce by confession. I had not known that confession of sin and restitution was in the Bible. One sin that He brought before me was that one day when in charge of the Dispensary in the Hospital, and a friend came and asked me for a handful of corks, I gave them to him without asking permission, and the Lord showed me how this was a sin of stealing. What was I todo then? ‘The answer came, Make restitution. And so I did. But for two weeks this conviction of sin continued, till it seemed as if my mind must give way. At the end of that time, one night before the light was put out, all of a sudden God opened heaven to me, and filled me with His divine love. I seemed to be lifted right into heaven by this love. Oh, the glory and joy that filled my heart then! I cried out to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, is this Thy love? I have never known it before.” I thought I had known how to love, but no, I had not! I did not hear Him say to me that my sins were forgiven, but His love so filled my heart that all the condemnation and fear were expelled. I got out of my bed and tried to pray, but the only thing that I could say was—‘‘Lord, I thank Thee,” and this I did three separate times. Words failed me to express the joy and gratitude which filled my heart. The next day the very world seemed to have changed its countenance,— even the sun shone more brightly.
I lived a year and a half in this heavenly joy and then gradually went back into the world, for I grieved the Holy Spirit by my ambition. I do not mean to say that God withdrew Himself at once, but my disobedience brought something between the Lord and myself, so that soon after the joy of His presence seemed to decrease, and in prayer I did not have the same sweet fellowship with Him. I found myself enjoying the world again, but there was something in my heart which brought dissatisfaction. As soon as I went back into the world, earthly things seemed attractive and real to me again. What people did and said was finding a lodging in my heart, either in bitterness or in selfconfidence, in prejudice or pride. I was occupied with earthly things instead of with God Himself, for I was on the same level with the world and therefore unable to overcome, It is only when we are seated in ‘ heavenly places in Christ Jesus’’ our Lord, that we are able to triumph over the temptations and trials below. Praise God for our safety in Him when we obey His commands.